Do not fear; help is on the way

This is good! Jon Carroll wrote a piece in the San Francisco Chronicle telling the religious right to get a grip on reality. In telling them to stop taking themselves too seriously, he didn't fall into the trap of over-seriousness himself. Read the piece; you'll see what I mean. It's a report from the "Unitarian Jihad." For you who are averse to opening new windows (who knows but that's not a wise strategy with all the pollen that's blowing around out there?), I've included some extracts below.

Side note: After reading the piece (complete or extracts), check out the following derivative site; it's a treat that only modern communications technology could produce: Taking up on Jon Carroll's creative use of spammers' nomenclature -- I mean the names they use to circumvent spam-blocking programs -- Bill Humphies has produced a Unitarian Name Generator. I tried out various names that the site assigned me until I came across "Brother Howitzer of Enlightened Compassion" which suits me well enough. Please let me know your names, if you wish to reveal them.

Here are extracts from Jon Carroll's column on the Unitarian Jihad. In it he identifies members of the "committee" all of whom have spammer-patterned names, such as Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation, Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace, Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness.

Friday, April 8, 2005

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

...Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions ... made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! ...

People of the United States, why ... is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? ...

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. ...

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) ...

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles...

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! ... Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.